Demystifying Self-Pity
“One of the most damaging emotions is ‘self-pity’”
I recently published this quote on Twitter and because of the interest and comments it generated I thought it merited further exploration…
The emotional energy associated with self-pity is one of the most destructive energies I encounter as a therapist. It can contaminate self-perception into ‘victim mode’ and in extreme circumstances can lead to physical self-harming.
Self-pity is a psychological state of mind often found within an individual who perceives they are in an adverse situation. They have not accepted the situation and feel they lack the confidence or ability to cope with it or move on from it. They may also believe they are the victim of events and are therefore deserving of condolence.
Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not help an individual practically or emotionally deal with adverse situations or Universal lessons. In a social context it may, however, result in either the offering of sympathy or advice which can be perceived as a perverse benefit.
Self-pity can also be remarkably self-sustaining, particularly when coupled with feelings of depression or other extreme emotional conditions. To give an example of this: a child at school feels badly because they perceive others as more sociable or outgoing. If the child does not take action by attempting to get to know its peers despite potential negative consequences (such as rejection) then they may continue to feel alone and their feelings of self-pity will be sustained and increase.
Self-pity is a perverse way of paying attention to oneself; it is a means self-soothing or self-nurturing (“I hurt so much“). Social Learning theorists purport that self-pity is a method for gaining attention, probably as a child, where an individual received attention, support and nurturing while being sick or hurt. The child then grows up having learned to give attention to themselves or seeking attention from others while in real or dramatized distress in order to receive the same payoff.
Self-pity is a very human emotion as I think this beautiful short poem by D. H. Lawrence illustrates:
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.
As with all forms of emotional extremes self-pity is only one possible response to emotional feelings being created when encountering a profound Universal lesson. To release oneself from a mind-set of self-pity it is imperative to first identify whether this emotional label is a description of a feeling or instead is a reflection of a misguided core belief (e.g. “there is something ‘wrong’ with me that warrants pity”). To do this one should explore the energy of the situation.
Understanding the ‘Emotional Energy’ of a Situation
Self-pity can be understood as an energetic response a challenging life situation. Although extremes of any emotional energy can be painful and potentially destructive they can also be used positively in understanding the whole energy involved. This applies to both new and old recurring life lessons.
Feeling self-pity is the ‘red warning light’ that offers an opportunity of engagement and harmonising to a Universal lesson. This reminds me of a profound Taoist teaching:
‘Your greatest strength is a weakness,
Your greatest weakness is a strength!’
To view ‘self-pity’ as one extreme response within the broader ‘energetic pendulum’ of all possible responses to a life situation can also be helpful in changing one’s perception and neutralising the ‘red light’ intensity of emotional feelings. It can allow one to confront, address and learn from the original Universal lesson in what I refer to as an emotionally mature – ‘Tao nature’, way.
I believe the emotional pendulum may look something like this:
All forms of emotional avoidance can seem momentarily easier or comforting yet this is unsustainable and unhealthy. The balanced ‘Wu-Wei Way’ involves confronting what are perceived as even more painful and difficult emotional feelings or situations.
Avoidance into the extremes of the energy may seem the lesser of two evils but nothing could be further from the truth! Universal lessons should always be confronted and neutralised or they will simply re-present themselves again and again.
These missed Universal lessons could stretch back into childhood and my professional experience shows the ages of 6 – 12 years are relevant in the formation of these misunderstandings. At this age profound learning situations can be presented that have a dramatic effect on personal feelings. It is necessary to have the emotional education or support to be able to understand the lesson and balance the energy. Without either it can seem easier to blame yourself, or others, as a way of avoidance and easing the ‘pain’. I refer to this energetic response as a ‘Yin Imbalance’.
Although the avoidance may have helped the original situation by giving some emotional relief this happens at the expense of self-worth. This coping behaviour slowly becomes habitual and the issue originally being avoided seems ever more impenetrable and fearful. Self-pity then becomes the lesser of two evils and therefore a perverse benefit. After a while the choice not only becomes habitual but also somehow comforting as it slips into the core belief system. This is when the ‘Ego circle’ is formed and the belief is owned as natural, or “the way I am”.
No energy (physical, emotional or spiritual) can ever be maintained or held in its extreme thus the extreme energy of self-pity can often quickly and easily swing out of balance in the other direction and (re)present as the opposite behaviour: aggression, bullying and blaming others. I refer to this energetic response as a ‘Yang Imbalance’. This too is a form of avoidance, albeit one that is more difficult to identify.
So what is the appropriate and authentic energetic response?
The central balanced position of the energy, what I refer to as the ‘Wu-Wei Way’, is based around acceptance.
Embracing Acceptance
When experiencing energetic extremes, acceptance can wrongly be perceived as a ‘weak’ way out, almost like being a ‘doormat’ or allowing oneself to be ‘walked over’ by life. This could not be further from the truth.
Great strength and alignment with the Universe lies in acceptance. It enables energetic flow and growth towards one’s authentic potential and self-worth.
Acceptance does not imply being a ‘victim’ or believing that everything/everyone is against you personally. The acceptance I refer to means:
- Embracing a life journey that does not always flow within perceived comfort zones, or to our personal liking, or without emotional upsets;
- Knowing that our life path will not always follow a course that may be considered ‘fair’ or ‘just’;
- Recognising that Universal lessons will always present themselves and when they do there is likely to be an emotional ‘red light’ attached to the situation.
Acceptance is an unbelievably empowering first step on the road to personal transformation.
Practical Steps for Personal Transformation
As part of my professional therapy work around the issue of ‘self-pity’, the following are some practical steps I recommend to my clients (note. I use the Taoist ‘Power of Three’ principle here again):
1. Recognise that the ‘label’ of self-pity has moved you from your Tao nature and authentic potential and that you are fully responsible for transforming this situation.
2. Re-affirm your value. Make a pledge to yourself that from now on you will do things differently. Affirm to yourself: “I choose self-worth over self-comfort!” Repeat this affirmation (or a similar affirmation that feels more comfortable to you) three times and repeat again (in sets of three) as often as is necessary and especially when self-doubt creeps in.
3. Roll-up your personal-development sleeves up and get stuck into some life changing learning! Ask yourself the following question:
Is my feeling of ‘self-pity’ a description of a set of acute emotional and physiological feelings or it is a reflection of a more deeply rooted personal belief system?
If it is a description of emotional/physiological feelings, you can then use a range of methods (including those I have described in earlier blog posts) to neutralise the intensity of these feelings. Remember: if a feeling is not ‘re-infected’ by negative self-talk it cannot last longer than 40 seconds! Once the feeling is neutralised this will then allow you the clarity of mind and personal energy to embrace the Universal lesson being offered in a Wu-Wei balanced way.
If it is part of a personal belief system, try what I refer to as the ‘self-talk’ test: ask yourself “Would I say this to a child?” If the answer is “no” (which it usually is!) then this may mean that a ‘corrupted’ and unhealthy core personal belief (maybe from childhood) is at play. Often, however, negative self-talk is more likely to be a self-justification of a habitual emotional avoidance rather than a personal belief system. This avoidance should be explored and addressed in a mature, authentic and balanced ‘Wu-Wei Way’, perhaps with the help of a therapist, to allow you replace this unhealthy habit with a new, empowering and more sustainable way of confronting your fears and learning situations.
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Remember that every situation offers the opportunity for a greater Universal learning and spiritual and personal growth. Looking beyond emotional feelings and embracing the ‘lesson’ is the most important and life changing energy one can experience which both transforms and connects us to our self-worth and authentic potential.
Always Choose Self-Worth over Self-Comfort!
